So I’m going to be trying something different on the blog from now on, or maybe I’ve said that before and not created the consistency that I intended. That is very me.
So, the old/new thing?
The feedback I get most consistently is that my vulnerability is my strength and I’m such a grounded channel.
Well, the grounded bit cracks me up, but that’s for another day. The vulnerability bit though, I get. Clients and friends tell me that it makes me trustworthy, relatable and helps them connect to their own vulnerability. Well, I’m all for that, hence sharing a more personal blog. Most of it’s going to be about following the guidance of The Ancients and how I integrate what I channel into my life. I’ve already done some of that in this blog post.
Some posts will be about how I deal with the hard stuff in life. I’m all about the joy right? Play and joy. After spending far too long chasing happiness and it illuding me, falling into the ever-present fabric of joy that underpins my life has become my focus.
So, what about the joy when life get’s hard, I hear you ask? How the fuckety fuck do I do joy when my life sucks?
Well, here’s my take. Life tends to suck for me when something that I don’t want to happen, happens. When I do what Byron Katie might call, arguing with reality.
I do that a lot more than I would like.
I also throw inner temper tantrums. I’ve learned how to funnel that energy into a run, or a weightlifting exercise and most of the time I’d do that over the inner tantrum. But I’ve also learned something else that might interest you because I bet you do it too…..
Temper tantrums can be my way of avoiding sadness and hurt. You do that?
Took me ages to realise it. Think I was in my early 30’s before I realised. Before that I wasn’t just always FINE, I was always GOOD or AWESOME or other potentially spiritually bypassing terminology.
I could speak vulnerability but somewhere along the way I stopped FEELING the vulnerability.
I’d be angry rather than feel the sadness. Most of the anger stayed inside, in fact, most of the anger became self-directed because you know, Spiritual people don’t get angry. hahahahahaha. Yeah. Right.
Anyway, as many of you know by now, starting to channel changed all that. Energetically blending with your guide is a fast-tracked way to feel all the feels even if you don’t want to 😉
But something else broke me open too, in a good way.
God but it’s hard. And exquisite.
Grief has a cycle, known as The Grief Cycle (does what it says on the tin!) and if you aren’t sure what the stages of the cycle are, ask my children – during my relationship break up last year, they quoted the steps to me so that I knew what was coming! Seriously.
Speaking of a relationship breakup. That was my most recent stint with grief.
As an empath though, I feel grief quite a bit or I can do. Watching the film Everest recently, I woke up at 3am in the morning, crying over the guy who had died (sorry spoiler alert too late!). It was a true story and I could feel his loneliness in the moments before his death. As an extreme empath, I’m good when that happens. My extreme empathy is what makes me damn good at my job.
Anyway, I digress. Grief. Breakups.
I still try to avoid the sadness part of grief. But each time I allow it and support myself through it, I’m astounded by it’s majesty. I know right? Majesty? Am I crazy? Well that’s the best word I can think to describe it.
Not that long after my breakup, I wrote a poem in an attempt to show myself what I was experiencing. Because grief blew me away.
(As a side note, it can be an extremely difficult set of emotions to deal with on our own, I had lots of solid friendships to help me and it was a relationship breakup, not the loss of a loved one. It still felt like death to me at times, it was, but if you are experiencing grief and feel like you are living under the weight of a thick duvet on a daily basis. Get support. Reach out and ask for help. Don’t do it alone.)
RIght. So poem.
Now I’m no Yates, I love the onomatopoeia of a Seamus Heaney poem, but I don’t’ really understand good poetry.
But I can do free-flowing thoughts. And my hope is that I may give words to what you are feeling, or you may see yourself in my experience and maybe you won’t feel so alone, or crazy and know that it’s part of the human experience. As empaths and sensitives, we might feel it more keenly, I don’t know about that, I think we just give ourselves permission to feel deeply when others don’t. But hopefully, you’ll feel more connected to us all after reading this.
The Paradox of Grief
By Cara Wilde
Fractured, yet restoring
Broken, I rediscover wholeness.
Fragmented, I am rebuilt
Rubble of a life destroyed,
Holds within it gold.
Trampled hearts that bleed
sadness starts to form the
Veins of a new life.
Built from the bare bones again.
Grief broke me open and connected me more intimately with myself and life. I didn’t expect that.
Because you know, sometimes Joy is in the pain too. Odd right?